“Are you listening to me? ...” We all have felt, at one time or another, what it is like not to be listened to. We can feel diminished, isolated and even lonely.
Article by José Diogo d'Orey | Reading time 6 minutes
The truth is that most of the time, when we speak, we are not expecting a mere dialogue or a circumstantial exchange of words. We are planning some kind of recognition, validation, and, possibly, the construction of something new. How often have we felt that we are not indeed listened to in our teams, our families, or our relationships? How many times do people talk over each other at work meetings? How many wars and conflicts could be avoided if we could genuinely listen to each other? How many things have we left unlearned because we were not listening? Everyone recognizes the value of being listened to, but are we all capable of listening? In his book “Across the River and Into the Trees” Ernest Hemingway wrote: “When people talk listen completely. Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say. Most people never listen.”
Across the millennia, listening was an important tool for recognizing others, gathering knowledge, and building new things. Before the invention of writing, it was an essential tool for receiving relevant information for oneself and the community. No wonder that, just like silence, proper listening was highly praised by sages, spiritual leaders, artists, and many others. An essential tool that requires patience and the ability to focus on the present moment. This is the reason why we struggle to listen to properly. We are always overwhelmed by our agitated minds and by the needs of our ego:
- We get distracted by our thoughts;
- We make assumptions about the other person or what is being said;
- We draw in our mind an answer ready to get out;
- We can feel both attacked and the need to protect ourselves;
- We can be more concerned about finding counter-arguments than in understanding what is being said;
- We can even try to listen to a conversation or a song playing in the background at the same time.
The outcome is that we end up only listening and understanding half of what is being said.
Listening means finding inside of us a place of tranquility that gives us the ability to discern when is the right moment to stay silent, and when should we intervene. A place free of distractions that do not allow preconceived judgments to influence the understanding of what the other person is saying, feeling, and experiencing. Listening means letting humility and compassion substitute the protection and attack the needs of the ego. This way, by putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, we can see things from different perspectives. Perhaps we can learn something new and build bridges. When we don’t do it, we divide the World in “me” against “you” and “us” against “them,” stimulating conflicts and promoting polarization. The more polarized we are, the less we listen. Ultimately, we all have a voice that deserves to be heard.
In the same way, we can learn and nurture the ability to listen to other people properly, we can learn to listen to ourselves. How many times have we felt that we don’t listen to our real needs? How many times have we felt that we don’t listen to our bodies? How about the voice of our soul? How many internal wars could we avoid if we just blocked our preconceived judgments about ourselves? What is curious is that in the same way, our agitated mind does not allow us to listen to others fully; it does the same when we try to listen to ourselves. That is why patience, humility, and compassion are crucial tools when we want to listen to our inner voice. That is why the needs of the ego and the distractions of our everyday lives need to be acknowledged and understood.
If we are willing, our bodies and souls can speak and advise us on what is best for us. We all know that indisposition is a way for our body to warn us that something we ate or drank is not suitable for us; that pain is a warning that there is something wrong; that the lack of energy is advice to rest more, eat better or be more physically active. However, do we really listen to our bodies? Do we act on what it is telling us? When it comes to our souls, our “gut feelings” are the beacons in our course: when we have feelings of expansion and lightness, it means that we are on a correct path; on the other hand, contraction indicates us that a change could be necessary. Are we ultimately listening to our souls properly, or do we insist on the same old ways? Deep within each of us is a great well of health, abundance, knowledge, guidance, and creativity. That is why when we listen to our body and soul, we can make wiser choices in our Life. Choices more aligned with who we are, but for the correct interpretation of these signs, we need a focused and calm mind. We need to learn how to listen.
Listening is a receptive state, but also an essential active tool. Listening is an art that requires work and discipline. When we learn to listen to one another, we acknowledge them as partners of our journeys. When we listen to ourselves, we can discover who we are. When we listen to Life, we find peace.
